Auckland, Monthly Updates, Musings, The Changing Seasons, The Good Fight

Keeping up the Good Fight #3

If I had to give you just one descriptive word that encompasses all my emotions during September, it would have to be Fuck with a capital F, yes, perhaps not the most elegant, imaginative, nor a socially acceptable one. Though when saying it aloud or maybe screaming it out in the middle of a field, it expels so much more energetic emotion than any other word I can pronounce.

Those weeks without my ability to be by the Squires side in hospital pushed me to corners of my mind that I never want to frequent ever again. It has been such a roller coaster of emotions, all of which I am still trying to process. I may never write about that experience in-depth as it would mean needing to relive it, and I’m not sure I want to do that.

What I am proud of is that we survived the Squires five weeks in hospital with reasonable sanity on our side and our sense of humour still alive. We also came out the other end with a massive appreciation of how strong we are when pushed to our limits. Of course, we had terrific support via family and friends from all over New Zealand and worldwide who unfortunately could not support us in person due to Covid restrictions.

While out walking I sighted this bear, it seemed so poignant as I have on many occasions referred to the Squire as my Gentle laid back bear.

Last but not least is the fantastic medical team.

The Squire will still require intensive support from Auckland hospital for the next few months and years of ongoing support when returning to Tauranga. His medical team on a daily basis deals with tremendous stress and their expertise they’re able to get an ever-growing number of cancer patients back to some normality. Weirdly, in this complex procedure, they need to take those patients to the brink of death then the journey of restoring them with healthy stem cells. There is, of course, the donors who make all this possible without them; an allogeneic stem cell transplant procedure is not possible.

Another vital person is the caregiver, that’s me. Now that the Squire is in the post-transplant stage of his recovery he needs someone with him as things can change so quickly, primarily due to infections or his body not taking kindly to those vital anti-rejection drugs which we found out within his first week out of hospital. Between this stage and the beginning, I filled a few solitary hours with writing, most never to be seen on a public screen. There’s always an exception to the rule, with one written during those dark filled hours and one that I will share with trepidation.

Your Wife by your Bedside

The Squire during his fourth week in hospital having much needed sleep.

Across the bed, I see the nurse, and to myself, I smiled.

Some think they know this man as they change his life,

But this man is my husband, and I am this man’s wife.

It was my feet he swept me off with his laid back charm.

I walked to meet him down the garden aisle.

This man has strength and courage, the rock on which I lean,

So many thoughts of days gone by and special times we spent.

It’s true those feet are now confined to a hospital bed, and he is tired.

And as he tries to stay awake, my heart aches.

How could we know there would be a time of little joy and anguish,

A time when we needed to fight the good fight and be stronger than most.

Our love cannot be measured in good times and in bad.

That love cannot be gauged upon the happy times and sad.

The battles fought but this one’s just begun.

I look at him with quiet pride; my eyes are filled with tears,

And then he smiles and out go all my fears.

With him, I’ll fight until the end and be thankful for our new life,

For this man is my husband, and I am this man’s wife.

The Squire ready to depart that hospital room

60 thoughts on “Keeping up the Good Fight #3”

  1. Shout it out loud and as often as you need to – whatever helps your sanity and well-being, never mind elegant or acceptable!
    Loving Husband and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary next month. I will remember your moving words and feelings expressed about yours & The Squire’s couplehood; you both are my heroes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much, Su, and I have been thinking about how your journey is going. Les’s journey will be a long slow one; he has had just one readmission to the hospital, so not doing too badly. One day at a time. Yes, I am a proud double vaxxed person and not even tempted to hit the shopping precincts 😉 We can never have enough hugs and right back at you. Take care xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Such beautiful words, made all the more special by your love, honesty and anguish. You both have been in our thoughts over the months and it’s good to read, although scary, of what has been going on. Keep writing those thoughts, even if no-one will ever see them, it obviously helps you cope. Tears in my eyes and sending love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your words are beautiful – and those you write in the darkness don’t need to see the light, it’s enough if they help you in some small way. What a ridiculously unimaginably tough time you’ve both had.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much, Jo. Yes, some things are best left unsaid/written. Hopefully on the road to recovery without many more bumps. No overnight hospital stays this week which is a positive thing.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Suzanne, I’m so glad to hear the Squire is doing well and you’ll return home after several tough weeks being apart and for you full of stress and worries. Thank you for sharing your poignant poem with us. Wishing you both all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much for the good wishes, Natalie. Hopefully the future is less stressful. We will certainly be making the most of it when Les becomes stronger to get out and about.

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  5. So glad that Les has left the hospital and all is going well. It must be such a relief to have him by your side again after those weeks of being apart, but I know there will be fear and stress too in watching him in his recovery. One breath at a time. One day at a time. You’ll get there. Together. xx

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    1. Thanks very much, Jude. Yes, there’s still stress and we are trying to focus on one day at a time. We will get there and looking forward to getting home to start living our lives again xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. What a lovely poem celebrating a wonderful relationship which will now move to a different plane as you have both come through something horrendous. I hope life will be kind to you in the future and that the rest of your days will be spent in happy enjoyment and if you have to use the occasional sweary word which would shock your mother, well, so be it. There will be times when you’ll have to use it again and having already done it, believe me (as someone who came from somewhat the same place) it becomes easier! My best to you and the squire.

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  7. Suzanne, I have been thinking about you both and how diabolical it must be, even at the best of times. It is fantastic progress that you are back together again and have this second chance. Les needs a T-shirt that says “Immunosuppressed. Keep your **** distance.” Thank goodness for the kindness and professionalism of the medical team.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Tracy, thanks for thinking of us. What an excellent idea regarding the T-Shirt. When we get home all visitors will have to be double vaccinated.
      His medical team got Les out of some nasty situations that could’ve gone pear shaped. Upwards and onwards.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Oh Suzanne, sending you sooo many hugs from Colorado. I cannot imagine what those 5 weeks were like. I agree, sometimes you don’t want to relive the darkness. Happy to hear you all will be back together for some good healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What a challenging few weeks you’ve both had, and it’s awful that you had to be apart just at a time when you most wanted and needed to be together. I’m glad you’re both out the other side of that and your husband can leave hospital and be with you again. Good to know he’s making real progress!

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  10. Suzanne, I saw a meme the other day that said, ‘today I need a word stronger than Fuck!’ I haven’t thought of one yet, and just repeat that one in rapid succession when I need it. It is a very cathartic word.

    I love your heartfelt poem. The bond you share with your husband comes through sweetly. Wishing you both the very best during this trying ordeal. Thanks for the update.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much, April. The nurse said Les was so cute all dressed and packed up by 7.30am though he was back on the bed sleeping before we left the ward. Unfortunately it’s a busy ward. We are so looking forward to going home and enjoying beach walks together. At the moment Les’s energy isn’t quite up to that.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Yay! So good to see Les ready to leave. I suppose you still have to stay within reach of the hospital and can’t leave anyway due to the covid level. At least you’re together now… just keep smiling and remember to breath . Hold onto the love xx

    Sent from Mail for Windows

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Chris
      Les needs regular twice weekly visits with his medical team for two months. Then we can head home. Though will be returning to Ak for checkups.
      I’m an expert at breathing exercises🙂 Les is doing well so far, xx

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  12. It has been a long five weeks, sad and lonely and worrying for you, and so much to endure for your dear husband.

    Now you have each other again to enjoy and appreciate.
    Warm wishes to you both for the journey ahead. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Poetry, written from the heart is on another level to most attempts and yours for all those sad yet uplifting reasons is perfectly pitched. In the same way as with such a long relationship we can see the results but never grasp those tiny contrarian moments that go to make up the whole, so it is that understanding what leads to that outpouring of emotion is impossible yet we understand why it is essential. Best for the next stage which we all hope adds new layers with those little fragments of joy, annoyance, laughter and heart ache that go to make up relationships. Here’s to the next update when you can add a YES to your emotive F…!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much for your lovely comment which we both appreciated. Absolutely to Yes being attached to the emotive F in the months to come. Next post, I will do something light on emotion, though tough on the feet and write about spending time wandering up and around a mountain.

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  14. I seem to have missed the last post, Suzanne, and reading it today I moved swiftly on for an update. To hell and back seems to sum it up, hon, but you’ve made it. Long may your love for each other nurture and support you. So wonderful to see that smile! Good luck to you, sir!

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    1. Thanks very much, Jo and you’re right about being to hell and back. Puts other life into perspective. I’ve noticed WordPress has updated how we use our blogs since I last used it. I appreciate the time you give me and my blog 😘 The Sir says thanks.

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